Friday, 10 May 2013

I want the truth ... but not really cause I can't handle it

Today is a lovely sunny Saturday.  I have done some washing, craft with the girls, had a cuppa with a friend, folded the washing and did the grocery shopping.  Then at 3pm I changed into my pyjama pants because they are so comfy!! Gasp, shock horror.  It has happened.  I have turned into my mother and sister!!  This in itself is not a problem, as they are both awesome, but I have spent the best part of the past 35 years denying I am anything like my family.  My teenage years and most of my twenties were spent aggressively proving I was oh so different to them.  I fought this battle in vein, it was already in my genetics, and it is only now I am beginning to accept this truth. 

Another truth that I have been faced with this week is my children are turning into the people I have prayed they would.  They have a great sense of fun, they are light and free, they smile a lot and don't seem to have a care in the world.  So why do I get upset when they aren't particularly good at any of their chosen hobbies?  When another mother says "Oh I can't believe your daughter isn't doing the dancing exams when she has been dancing for so long, my daughter just started and she is already good enough."  I get all worked up, feel guilty that I am robbing my children of the opportunity to be successful because I do not put enough pressure on them to practice and train and I quietly panic that they will not succeed at anything in life :-/ 

The truth is my children are probably going to be mediocre at a lot of things they do, and the truth is this makes me unbelievably happy so long as what they are doing makes them happy.  I know they have been blessed with many gifts and they will excel in these areas, these blessings may be growing flowers, painting love hearts, raising children, making deals, designing clothes, doing hair, investing in real estate, caring for elderly, praying with conviction.  I have no idea but I need to remind myself that I love them unconditionally and with no pressure and I will not get robbed of joy by trying to keep up with other mothers, their children have been blessed differently to mine.  A truth I will need to constantly remind myself of. 

A third truth this week I have had to acknowledge is I am a little cowardly.  I had made the decision to discontinue attending a group I had been part of for over 3 years.  Instead of telling the group of my decision I really just wanted to quietly retreat, secretly disappear never to return again.  This would have been perfect until the group leader discussed it with me.  I thought I was an honest, up front sort of person, turns out if the chance arises to just turn and run away this just might be the option I choose.

In the face of all this cold hard truth, it is the Bible that is bringing me some peace. John 16:33 says "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."  This helps me not to take any of the above truths too seriously :-)

Saturday, 4 May 2013

I want to dance like Jesus

How different would like look without the words should, ought to and could?  These three phases rule my life, they circle my heart like flaming scorpions, searing into my soul, haunting and defeating me every time I think or say 'I should do this' or 'I ought to be doing such and such' or 'If I only could ...'.

The word, the very simple word that sets me free from all of this is 'is'.  This is how much God loves me, my life is full of blessings, this is what I look like and this is what I can do.  Is, this one word, dangles from my heart, it reflects light and beauty, it is peace and kindness, it is love.  God is love.

When I free my mind from the shoulds, coulds and ought tos I have this amazing image of Jesus dancing.  I'm not talking polite swaying, or closing eyes and raised hands kind of dancing, Jesus is fluorescent blue, green and white.  He is dancing to the groove, His whole body is alive with the beat.  He is captivated by the tunes.  He is so happy.

I often get the feeling we have it so very wrong.  If we believe God created us in His own image and to be His friends than there must be so much more.  There must be more than quietly singing bad hymns, there must be more than eating cake with friends watching the kids play after Church on Sunday, there must be more than politely discussing the relevance and meaning of parables from the Bible once a week at Bible Study.

I can not believe God created us to be mundane, to be mediocre, to be ordinary and to simply go with the flow.

If I had created people to be my friends I would want them to be free and happy to dance like the Jesus in my mind.  I can't help but think it is the shoulds, coulds and ought tos that keep us from dancing like Jesus.

I want to dance like Jesus each and every day.